


Are you fucking kidding me?

by shabootl



Series: AU April [9]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Atsumu loves it, BL cafe au, M/M, Rarepair, Tobio suffers, osamu tries to help
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-09
Updated: 2020-04-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23539543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shabootl/pseuds/shabootl
Summary: Kageyama was supposed to work in the kitchens. Kageyama was NOT supposed to be one of the Boy Love actors. But money does make the world go 'round.
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio/Miya Atsumu, Kageyama Tobio/Miya Osamu
Series: AU April [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1683811
Comments: 17
Kudos: 250





	Are you fucking kidding me?

DAY NINE: “Are you fucking kidding me”

Fandom: Haikyuu!! - BL Cafe AU

Pairing: Osamu x Kageyama, Atsumu x Kageyama

* * *

Kageyama rinsed the last of the dishes with a sigh. The kitchen was hot and he was starting to feel sweaty. At least he was off. He quickly changed into his street clothes and started his way through the house floor to the exit. In the middle, there was a commotion involving one of the guests that Tamaki--the owner of the cafe--was fervently trying to calm. The Miyas, who Kageyama guessed were supposed to be her hosts, only watched; Atsumu with amusement, Osamu with slight annoyance.

_Serves him right._ Kageyama made a face at Atsumu, who returned it with a wink. “Tch.” Kageyama had almost made it to the door when the ostentatious guest shrieked. “Him!”

It was loud enough for Kageyama to turn to see the commotion. He turned to find her pointing at him while talking to Tamaki, holding up three fingers. Kageyama grimaced. He’d had a bad incident with a guest before, but honestly, he didn’t know what he could’ve done to this girl. The last customer got mad because he knocked over her food. It wasn’t Kageyama’s fault that she was stupid enough to leave her plates right at the edge of the table.

“Tobio-kun!” Tamaki ushered him over with a strained smile.

_Oh, god. What now._ Kageyama approached them warily.

Tamaki put a hand on his shoulder. And Kageyama tensed as the guest eyed him up and down. Then she smiled. “He _is_ cute. I want him.”

Kageyama’s eyes widened in horror. He turned to Tamaki for an explanation, but Tamaki was already assenting to her request.

“He’ll be here for the rest of your visit, Kasuga-hime.” Tamaki gave her a bright smile. “You’ll have to forgive him if he’s awkward though. He’s new here, you see.”

Kasuga gave Tamaki a small smile. Something about it gave Kageyama a chill. “Of course, Suoh-kun.”

Upon seeing Kageyama’s face, Tamaki pulled him aside. “Look, Tobio-kun. I need a small favor--”

Kageyama raised his eyebrows, nostrils flared. “ _This_ what you call _small_?”

“Look, look. Kasuga-hime is our richest client, and well, she has a habit of jumping from boy to boy. She just wasn’t completely satisfied with Osamu and Atsumu. We need to make it interesting.”

“So you want me to do something that _isn’t in my job description?_ ” Kageyama hissed, his voice slowly rising. “What’s wrong with Suga-san and Akaashi-san? Or Yaku-san and Nishinoya-san? Or literally _anyone else here?_ ”

Tamaki gestured Kageyama to lower his voice. “Please, Tobio-kun. She’s already seen all the other boys. It’ll be just this once. I’ll pay you for this session at double.”

Kageyama scrunched his nose.

“Okay, okay,” Tamaki said. “How about double the pay for this session and double your salary for the next week? We really need her patronage, Tobio-kun. She might start going to the Butler Cafe down the street if we don’t.”

Kageyama’s face twisted even more. He thought it over. “Alright,” he finally said, and Tamaki’s face brightened.

“Thank you much, Tobio-ku--”

“But I want double pay for the next _two_ weeks.”

Tamaki swallowed. 

“You’ve got a deal. Oh, and Tobio-kun--” Tamaki said before Kageyama could walk away, “please remember not to smile.”

_Damn, I should’ve asked for the entire month._

“Whatever,” Kageyama said. He purposely slid into the seat next to Osamu. _There’s no way I’m dealing with Atsumu. He’s way too over the top. I might die._ Kageyama pointedly ignored the bedroom eyes Atsumu was shooting him. _Over my dead body._

Kageyama nearly jumped when Osamu pulled an arm around him and tucked him in closer.

“Relax,” Osamu murmured. “Ya gotta act like I’m your boyfriend or summ’, got it? Don’t worry about acting ‘n all that, I’ll take care of it. I’ll try to keep ‘Tsumu off. No promises, though.”

Kageyama nodded and let himself rest his head on Osamu’s shoulder.

Kasuga squealed. “So cute! But I want Tobio-kun in the middle.”

Kageyama’s soul left his body. He wordlessly pleaded up at Osamu, who only gave him an apologetic look. Then Osamu slid Kageyama over his lap and onto the bench between him and his twin. Atsumu immediately wrapped his arms around Kageyama’s middle. Under the table, Osamu took Kageyama’s hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Hmm.” Kasuga flipped through several scenario books with a deepening frown on her face. “You guys don’t have anything for threesomes.”

Kageyama choked.

“We don’t have that feature for the cafe--Yet,” Osamu added at the irritated look on Kasuga’s face.

“But, no worries,” Atsumu added. “Kasuga-hime’s a treasured guest. Were happy ta give ya whatcha want.”

Kageyama wanted to melt into the floor. _Scratch that. I should’ve asked for a permanent raise at double my current pay._

Osamu squeezed Kageyama’s hand again. “It’s not literally sex, Kageyama-kun,” Osamu whispered. “We don’t do that here.”

Kageyama’s shoulders loosened. “Okay.” Kageyama shifted closer to Osamu.

“Hmm.” Kanako studied them. Then her smile widened. “I know what I want.” Kageyama tensed. “I want you two to fight for Tobio-kun’s attention.”

Osamu glanced at Atsumu. They both nodded at each other.

“We’re going to do a scene. Follow our lead, okay?” Osamu whispered to Kageyama as the three stood up. “Pretend you’re cold.”

Kageyama stood between them and wrapped his arms around himself.

“Woah. It’s really cold out there,” Atsumu said.

“Yeah,” Osamu said. “I’m glad we got inside when we did.”

Kageyama shivered.

“Oh, no, Tobio-kun,” Atsumu said. “Are ya cold?”

“You must be so cold,” Osamu said.

“Uh...yeah,” Kageyama said stupidly.

Both twins took a step toward Kageyama. Osamu took his hands. Kageyama blushed. “Yeah, your hands are freezing.” He blew on them and rubbed them.

“And your face is so red, Tobio-kun.” Before Kageyama could blink, Atsumu’s hands were on his cheeks, enflaming them further. Kageyama had never had this much physical contact in his entire life--well, outside of volleyball, of course.

Atsumu cocked his head. “Your face is so cold.” He softly stroked Kageyama’s cheeks with his thumbs.

Kageyama could see amusement flicker in Atsumu’s eyes despite his concerned expression. _Fuck_ you. In the corner of his eye, he could see Kasuga smile.

Osamu clucked his tongue. He tugged Kageyama to his chest. “You’ll get warmer faster if you do this.” He took Kageyama’s hands and placed them under his shirt and onto his back. Then Osamu burrowed his face into Kageyama’s neck.

Kageyama’s cognizance flickered, then swiftly extinguished. _I think...I think I’m going to die. And I didn’t even make the National Team yet._

“ _Oh my god._ ” Kasuga said to herself.

_I haven’t even broken the tie and beaten Oikawa-san yet._

“Noooo,” Atsumu scolded. “I know a _better_ way.” He picked up a pocky stick from the table, craned Kageyama’s face towards him and placed the pocky in Kageyama’s mouth. “I’ll take care of ya, Tobio-kun.” Atsumu winked, then started munching on his side of the stick.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_ Kageyama squeezed his eyes shut. He’d never felt more embarrassed in his life. _Double the pay. Double the pay. Double the pay._

Kageyama could feel Atsumu’s warm breath on his face, and his mind drifted to cope. _What would my mother think of me pimping myself out like this? But it’s only for this hour, though. Then I might actually save enough to pay off my student loans faster...Oh! And I’ll be able to get the_ fancy _frozen yogurt now...Oooh. I can’t wait for that new mango fusion one! And then there’s the--_

A hand covered Kageyama’s mouth, and he almost squeaked. Kageyama opened his eyes to see Atsumu’s shocked expression right up close to his face.

“I don’t think so,” Osamu said. He was the one covering Kageyama’s mouth.

Osamu sat down and pulled a still red Kageyama onto his lap. Kageyama heard a small noise come from Kasuga.

Osamu turned Kageyama to look at him and placed a stick of pocky between them. They both started munching on each end; closer and closer.

“Oiiii.” Atsumu sat down and whined, tugging at Kageyama’s sleeve.

Kageyama and Osamu slowed when the stick got shorter. Osamu bit off the last piece, and apparently miscalculated, because his lips just barely brushed Kageyama’s.

Clapping sounded. They turned to a grinning Kasuga.

“That was perfect! I didn’t even remember to drink my tea; I was so enthralled!”

“We’re so glad you enjoyed it!” Atsumu said.

Osamu let Kageyama shift into his own chair, and leaned into Kageyama’s ear. “Sorry about that, Kageyama-kun. I thought I measured it right.”

Kageyama tried to put together a reply but was only able to produce a confused grunt.

Osamu gave him a weak smile, and everything but Osamu’s face faded from Kageyama’s sight. Everything seemed to have sourced from calm, honey-colored eyes.

“Hmmm. I think I might request you again, Tobio-kun!” Kasuga’s voice stirred Kageyama from his stupor.

“Y-Yeah,” Kageyama said. He was now frightfully aware of his and Osamu’s still intertwined fingers. He cleared his throat and pulled his hand away. “Uh huh.”

“Tamaki!” Kasuga waved the owner over and start a fervent conversation that Kageyama’s ears seemed to gloss over.

“It was nice workin’ with ya, Tobio-kun.” Atsumu grinned. “It’ll be a shame to see ya sent to the kitchens again.”

“Yeah, well,” Kageyama said, his voice gruff. “I didn’t exactly want to _be_ here.” Kageyama glared at Atsumu, then he stood up and glowered out of the cafe.

  
  


\---

“Heyyy, Tobio-kun.”

Kageyama knew trouble was afoot when Tamaki approached him with a smile. Kageyama took off his work gloves and washed his hands. “Yes, Tamaki-san?”

Tamaki wrapped an arm around Kageyama’s shoulders. “So, Kasuga-hime _really_ liked your performance last week, and well, she wants to see more of you.”

Kageyama glared at his boss. “I am _not_ acting alongside Miya Atsumu.”

Tamaki’s smile widened. “No worries, Kageyama-kun, she requested you alongside someone else.”

Kageyama jerked out of Tamaki’s embrace. “I’m not acting, Tamaki-san. I work in the kitchens.” Double pay was nice, but nothing was as scarring as coming a breath’s width away from kissing Atsumu.

“Tobio-kuuun,” Tamaki whined. “Please. The pay for actors is significantly higher, you know.”

Kageyama perked at that. Then he frowned. _I’d be selling my soul_.

“Atsumu-kun mentioned you’ve been trying to save up for some expensive knee and elbow pads?” Tamaki nudged him.

_Son of a bitch._ Kageyama cursed Atsumu. “I’m sorry, Tamaki-san. But I’m not doing it.” Kageyama pushed past Tamaki and rushed to the door, but not before slipping and knocking over one of the china shelves. Kageyama stared down at the sharded pieces in horror.

“Oh, no.” Tamaki clapped a hand on Kageyama’s shoulder. “You know, that chinaware is very expensive.” Tamaki elongated ‘very’. “Why, it was hand-crafted and sent straight from Italy. It will cost _so_ much to replace.”

A bead of sweat rolled down Kageyama’s temple. He swallowed, then looked up at the heavens. _Kami-sama. Surely I haven’t called Hinata an ‘idiot’ enough times to deserve this punishment_. Kageyama squeezed his eyes shut.

“Well.” Tamaki dusted his hands. “Kasuga-hime just walked in. Switch up into your street clothes and head to room three. Don’t worry about the clean-up, Tobio-kun.” Tamaki smiled at him. “Your new job description doesn’t include working in the kitchens.” He patted Kageyama through the door. “And remember, it’s okay to be yourself, alright? Except for smiling. Seriously, don’t smile.”

And as Kageyama’s current luck would have it, sitting, waiting for him at the table with Kasuga, was Oikawa Tooru.

Well, at least he didn't have to worry about smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> OsaKage is SO underrated
> 
> Kudos to you if you know where Tamaki and Kasuga come from ^-^


End file.
